So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
