I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
