Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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