If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
