I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
