Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
