Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
