Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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