did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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