Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
