i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
