I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
