Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
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