pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
