i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
