Please, let me fuck your mom
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
