3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
