Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
