can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
