I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
