I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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