Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Cover your peen. We're going out.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
