i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
