The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
