Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
