Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
