Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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