I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
