Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
