I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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