Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
