3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
