I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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