When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
