i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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