Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
