I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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