you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
