We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
