her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He better not be in your backpack
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
