i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
