Can i not drive my cunt home
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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