apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
