Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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