Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
two words...techno handjob
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
