Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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