I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
