We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
