I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
