I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
