ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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