i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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