I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
