You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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