Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
