just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
