my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she told me i tasted like america
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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