girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
