I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
