We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
